Good Day Wonderful People!
Have you ever heard the saying " What you think of me is none of my business!". If only we really believed or took that to heart. We are usually very concerned with what others think about us or how they treat us or how they interact with us.
The author asks us to consider the opposite; to consider how "we" affect other people. What is your body language saying? What does your tone of voice say? What is your capacity for restraint? How do you lift the spirit of others? All good questions! Think about them!
Our questions for today are:
. Are you aware of how your words affect other people?
. When was the last time you used restraint in your response to someone else? How did it feel?
. How can you exercise more positive choice when interacting with others?
Observe how you affect others today and wake up!
Rev. Sylvia
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThe more I wake up and pay attention, the more aware I am of how my words affect others. I was told once that I had a way of saying things to people that could make them feel stupud. That was never my intent (...unless it really was my intent for some). I took a look at this, especially in some of my business memos and found that I may have been a little too raw in stating my position. I learned to be a little more politically correct. Unity has taught me to take that even further and to temper my words with compassion and kindness. I can still get my point accross.
ReplyDeleteWhen I am truly in ego mode, I am challenged to use restraint. Ego tells me that sometimes people need to hear the hard truth. This usually happens when my kind, politically correct words are misinterpreted and communication seems to be breaking down. Then you will get the raw words of ego!
Exercising restraint can actually be painful. I think I can do a better job if I begin to practice pausing (no matter how long or awkward) and breathing when communication seem to be leading me down the dark path... And apoligise when I know my tongue has been too sharp.
This is one of the main reasons I wanted to go through this spiritual journey. I observed that my own issues and negativity were impacting and affecting people I love and they in turn didn't always want to be around me. I am trying to very conscious of my spirit, my body language, my state of mind--especially when I am around others. This may not be the way to approach it but I have a co-worker who has so much negative energy that the moment she enters the room you can see the energy change--and not in a good way. I don't want to be that kind of person so in my head I try to remember that when I'm impulsed to push my bad attitude or negativity on other people. If I have a positive mind and stay in control of emotions I think I am closer to this goal than I think!
ReplyDeleteAt first glance, this seems like a simple exercise. But, for me, it's complicated, especially in the context of serious relationships with others. In a work context, with casual or long-term friends, it is relatively straight forward. I think I'm pretty good at exercising restraint, being positive and encouraging. (Sometimes I think I'm "too nice" and people (employees) take advantage of that.)
ReplyDeleteBut, in the context of a love relationship, things can get more difficult because the nature of those relationships is more complex. I find it's harder to determine when to exercise restraint and when to hold someone accountable for their actions. Honestly, sometimes I just get tired and feel like why should I be putting forth all this effort when it feels like the other person is not fully understanding or respecting my feelings? Is that ego? I guess so... I'm reminded of the prayer of St. Francis -- Lord, help me to seek to understand, not to be understood. TGIF!
This was a key lesson for me.
ReplyDeleteWhile I am recognizing “the errors of my ways.” just yesterday my words with one person and tone with another - were not controlled. Obviously, I’ve not yet honed the skills of biting my tongue and softening my words.
Funny though - one of those people reacted to my tone, but the other either ignores me; lets it roll off her back; or goes over her head. I’ve gotta be careful not to take that as support of my bad behavior.
Restraint Jean, Restraint...
As I have grown older, I pay more attention to the tone of my voice and for the most part I can keep it on an even keel. When I'm upset, there is less control and my tone becomes higher and more forceful. Loved ones can often trigger the higher tone. The challenge is to maintain a balanced and loving tone with those who push my buttons. I'm working on it.
ReplyDeleteMy interactions with others would be greatly improved if I could just follow what Steven Covey says: Seek first to understand and then to be understood. I can do this when I have no emotional ties to the person. The greater task is to seek to understand the feelings and words of others without thinking of a counter point in my head. So much to learn and practice!
For me this lesson reminds me of the discussion we had on Wednesday in class about being able to turn a 'mistake' into an opportunity from the November 5th reading.
ReplyDeleteI believe that during interaction with another, in the moment, if we consciously recognize how our energy/behavior/words affect them, we can then foster the result we truly want to see. Hence, in the midst of making a mistake, we can see the moment as an opportunity to affect a different outcome and get the result we really want.
Last week I was at the store waiting to custom order a sandwich. I waited for a good 5 minutes as the kids behind the counter did everything to avoid me. Eventually, after I inquired, a young lady decided she had to help me. She looked very bored with the situation and not the least bit interested in making a sandwich for me. With each passing moment, I was getting angrier and angrier and believe me I am a red-headed Irish girl, I can get angry. I was thinking of just the right words to say to make her regret being born, when I woke up. I stopped focusing on my anger, my hunger, and my feelings of persecution. I decided to be compassionate to another human being. Have I not myself been bored at my job, felt tired at work and just wanted to be curled up at home, have I not myself hesitated to help a client when I didn’t feel like it. These are human experiences. So, I began to relate to her as a human. I smiled. We talked. She is pregnant and is going to deliver a little girl sometime in early January. I told her she has a beautiful smile and encouraged her to use it more often, words for my own ears as well. She made a very nice sandwich and I left feeling happy to be alive and living these moments. I feel that is a moment when I was able to recognize how my potential actions would affect someone and I took the time to turn what would of being a very angry exchange (the mistake) into a pleasant interaction with another soul (the opportunity). I am learning.
Wow I have really learned from everyone who took the time to post a comment. I have struggled with this lately having eruptions at will where ever or when ever. It happens most when I am expecting service(action) from others. Though my words are carefully crafted, my tone and body language can be off putting (condescending, castrating, aggressive). When my expectation falls short I pull out my sword and commence to beheading the condemned. This has become worse as my ego at this time is out of control. I know I need to find ways to deal with this. I had a story very similar to Heather's at the sandwich counter but I chose to teach her a lesson.
ReplyDeleteI know my energy (aura) is powerful and lately it has been dark/serious. I've heard that many times recently how stressed or frustrated I look. Now I sometimes use it as a defense so that others will leave me be. The problem here is that I haven't had thoughts of restraint lately. I just want to make my point and keep moving. I know this isn't helping and has to change.
I need a serious renovation. I need to remember those tools that I have forgot. This class will help me to accomplish that.
I appreciate all of the posts, especially those that allude to the difficulty it is to utilize restraint with those closest to ourselves. I have found that my restraint has become so embedded in my consciousness that it is proving detrimental to my happiness.
ReplyDeleteI was involved in an abusive relationship and I have some residual coping behaviors from that syndrome. I have the capacity to respond to someone else's negativity but I generally I do not. If it's directed at me my automatic response is to shut down. Some folks take this as an opportunity to rev it up and are angered at my lack of response. Avoiding confrontation seems to really be hurting me. I think I am seeking peace but it's not.
So I am very aware of the impact my words (or lack of) have on other people. When I don't speak up or respond some personalities use it as an opportunity to try and attack my peace. I have tried avoiding these personalities but it is difficult, as Dennis said, when they are a loved one.
Wheras the goal for most is to temper our words and soften our tone, mine would be to begin to speak out positively and assertively more often, instead of shutting down to avoid conflict.
I am quite aware of what effect my words have on people and I do try to think about what I say before I say it that is a challenge for me however. I use restraint everyday because there are those that feel it is OK to say anything to anybody. I do find that my tone changes when I feel that someone undeserving is under attack and they need to be rescued. I do pay closer attention to my reactions and ask myself why I want to make this my business instead of allowing others to handle their own stuff. I am learning to be the observer instead of the enforcer.
ReplyDeleteReading the comments I think of our need for balance. The author encourages us to think of how our actions affect others. When I read it, I thought there is some danger in being overly concerned with how you affect others. We can become fearful of saying anything that could be considered mean or hurtful, even if we need to speak up to protect ourselves from abuse. I read that in geogereau’s post. It seems we can become timid and seek to become pleasers, always saying the kind and polite thing. I have been there. Then there is the opposite side, always saying the mean and provoking thing. I have been there and relate to Keven’s post. When I react out of either place, trying to say the nice thing or purposefully saying the mean thing, I am coming from a place of fear. I am afraid of being further taken advantage of so I react defensively and sometimes reacting defensively is hiding with your tail behind your legs. I loved on Wednesday when we did the seed meditation on Freedom and someone in the audience said, “Freedom from responding automatically to their defense mechanisms”. Possibly, the topic today from the author is an attempt to give us back control. Instead of being defensive and responding to others, we become in control when we look and then decide what effect we want to cause.
ReplyDeleteBoy oh boy! I can relate to all of the comments today! As I have shared in class, what I am feeling has a way of just pouring out of my mouth and my body. I sometimes speak when I shouldn't and don't when i should. I am working on getting it all in better alignment so that it is healing for me and clear and gentle for others. It is all about balance, honoring yourself and others, not being afraid to express your needs while also being aware of the other, being clear yet compassionate, etc. Whew!!! Way too much work but necessary so I am being patient and forgiving of myself and others,
ReplyDeleteThe work continues!
At this point in my life, I try very hard to choose my words carefully, particularly if a misunderstanding arises. I always aim to communicate directly and truthfully with little or no attitude. I wasn’t always like this but as I got older, it has been my intention to communicate in the most positive, and depending on the situation, loving way possible. It’s been my personal experience lately that the response tends to be very positive regardless of the emotion during the initial discussion. In those situations, I’m very encouraged because I can see that my intent to communicate positively has affected the other individual enough to return the positive energy in kind, even if it’s a situation where we agree to disagree.
ReplyDeleteNow I truly believe that if I know my communicative intent is coming from a positive place, and let’s face it, we all know whether our communicative intent is coming from a positive place or not, and the other individual CHOOSES to receive it negatively, then I refuse to hold myself responsible for that in any way. I truly believe we’re all, whether we’re aware of it or not, totally responsible for how we choose to feel, and how we respond, as a result of someone else’s words regardless of what the other person is communicating to us and the nature in which they communicate.
I am most aware how I impact my family and inner circle of friends. I know my words are trusted, my counsel is sought and my ability to maintain confidentiality is legendary. More often than not, I impact my environment is a positive way.
ReplyDeleteI use restraint everyday while engaging in self-talk, interacting with friends and a certain colleague. While engaging in self-talk (mind-chatter) I resist my automatic response to what is. I have learned to have affirmations/denials ready to refute my sometimes unrestrained thoughts. I work with an extremely obsessive person. He is not only obsessive about his work but also about the work of others as well. It drives me to the brink of madness to for him to re-measure or re-calculate my work. I am meticulous about my work product but occasionally he finds an error. Whenever, he does find an error I must use my affirmations and restraint not to “lose it”. I feel great when in the moment I am able to control my emotions and tongue. I am able to maintain my composure and know he is judging the work and not me. At other times my tongue engages before my mind does and frankly sometimes that feels pretty good as well.
I can more consistently exercise positive choices when I remember and consciously affirm “God is my Source”. For me that affirmation defuses fear, anger and worry.